I Have Nothing...

My title says it all. I have nothing. At almost 25 years old, I have nothing to show for my life. Most women my age are married with kids, going for a masters degree, traveling, or doing something with their life. I have nothing to show. I have no money - But I do have over $10,000 in debt. I still live at home with my parents. My car is broken down and I can't even go anywhere. I am stuck in the house with no money, no boyfriend, and these stupid outrageous expectations. I keep hearing how well I am doing and how awesome I am and all I have is NOTHING.

My life is nothing. What is the purpose if I have no direction? What is the meaning if I have no results? I do nothing, I have nothing, I am nothing. What is the point of breathing when I am the equivalent of nothing? I don't want to be me any more. I want to be anyone, but me. I want to be the girl who has everything in front of them; the girl who has the ability to shop on credit and spend time with friends at the mall. I want to be the girl who can get on a plane and take off to a new place; the girl who is going places. I want to be the girl with the degree; the girl with the body; the girl with the boyfriend.

I hate who I am, I hate what I am doing, I hate the world, and I hate my life. I am in hell and I want out.

All About That Breast (all about that bass parody)

Lifeless

My heart is lifeless - alive only in spirit.
My heart exists only to carry blood,
I feel no more.

You tore my soul.
Not once but twice,
You shattered me.

You left me liquefied on the concrete,
splattered into nothingness.
My world falls apart into oblivion.
Bleak and dingy, my world is hollow.
Without breath, I suffocate away.

My sight goes black.
My blood slows to a halt.
I feel nothing.

I am dead.
My soul floats on.
Without your love I die.

Breathe back into me.
Resurrect my soul.
Save me from eternity.
Love me until forever.

Ignorance is bliss?

They say ignorance is bliss – but is it really blissful? Maybe the blindness is just slowly shattering our souls. Maybe we are just barely breathing. Have you ever noticed how your body always has one last breath left when you hold your breath under water – the breath that constricts your chest to the point of pain? Maybe that is the breath we live on in ignorance. Who decided it was blissful to sit around and wait? Who decided it was worth the wait? I've never been in more pain in my life. I feel my heart shattering to ashes; it as if my soul is slowly burning away in a blast of disappointment. I couldn't possibly begin to explain in all the ways I am dying inside. Nothing is supposed to be like this; we aren't supposed to be falling apart. I can feel you pulling away and I just don’t think I can survive you walking away again – that moment when my world will switch from color to black and white – the moment our existence becomes nothing more than a faded past. How am I expected to survive when the life will literally disintegrate out of my soul? I want the sun shining, music blasting, laughing until our chests hurt kind of day – I don’t want the days where it rains and the sky is black and I beg for an escape; I don’t want an existence where I suffocate for you anymore. Not a moment goes by that you are not on my mind – you are my morning thought, you linger on my mind all day, you are the thought that puts me to sleep, you are my dreams. I can’t escape the idea of you and I can’t even begin to hate you. 

Goodbye...

My soul is shattered. Our moment was perfection. I didn't ask; I didn't beg; I didn't force you to do anything. You acted on an impulse - a feeling. You made a move of epic proportions. Our souls swirled in a passionate and mesmerizing moment that my mind has squandered on since the moment your lips left mine. Our fate was sealed. A moment - a friendship - a destiny; our lives were speeding into eternity. We were only steps from capturing forever. It was as if the world stopped turning. Our reign of tortuous and heart wrenching flirtation turned into a kiss of insurmountable epicness. Epic passion, epic closeness, epic understanding ensued in an instant. Friends don't kiss like we did; best friends don't kiss like we did; lovers kiss like we did. Don't tell me you don't kiss; don't tell me you didn't feel it; don't tell me it was nothing – I call bullshit. We are perfection and you are scared. You are terrified to move towards forever.

And yet, you allowed our destiny to disintegrate. You found a way to completely destroy me without trying. Only now do I know that your lips on mine, the moment that revolutionized our existences, was simply a goodbye. The kiss that changed our relationship forever was only a moment of closure for you; a moment to end an internal struggle. I don’t blame you – I blame us equally. If only one of us were honest with each other; if only I knew you were saying goodbye – I would have begged you to stay. My soul has expired. There are no words to explain the gravity of the situation. Our ending was accelerated in one swift motion. I had no control, no saving grace, and no chance of surviving. We are anything but existing – our relationship, our friendship, our time, has escaped us. We kissed forever goodbye – You kissed forever goodbye.

But I love you; I've always loved you; I will always love you. You were my best friend. You were my rock. You were my happiness, when I never imagined happiness was possible. You were my saving grace so many times, I cannot even count. You are my forever.  I can't imagine how I will survive without you. But I will continue to breathe. I will continue to hold you dear and I will always remember the feeling you gave me, even when you didn’t know it. I will continue to hope that our paths will cross one day, because it is all I have left. I am completely in love with you and I can only hope that somewhere in your cold and desolate existence, underneath all the lies and hate, you love me too. 

Be Free

If I had one wish for you, I can only hope you find the love I feel for you. I hope you find someone who cherishes you so deeply that you do not know what loneliness is. I hope that you are loved so deeply and reciprocate that love so deeply, that not even the end of the world could cause your love to falter. In quiet moments, I pray to God that you never feel an ounce of the pain I have suffered through. Any discomfort that a loss of love could cause you would surely cause my soul to cripple. Even with you gone, I hold a space so special and pronounced in my heart for you that my soul is directly connected to your emotions. Promise me that you will chase your dreams and fight for your beliefs. Don’t ever shy away from your goals or the path less traveled. You are an outstanding and amazing person. You are capable of so many incredible things. I only hope that you put us behind you and chase after them. I would never want to hold you back, even if that means you let me go. You gave me so many things to live for.; I remember saying to myself one day, “My soul is on fire with passion.” You gave me an opportunity to feel love and I can never give you enough thank yous. You made me feel superior to everyone else and important even in dead silence and little moments. You made darkness bright. I will never forget our time together. Be free my love – for I have nothing left to offer you. 

Breathe

There are so many emotions built up in my heart. I feel like the only sanity I had was you. Like in the middle of all of the craziness and chaos you were that moment when I remembered to breathe; you were the moment of serenity when I knew that it was all worth it; that the heartache and pain was the greatest blessing I had, because I knew that I would be able to share a moment with you. The way you could reassure me that it was all gonna be okay, even in the most insane and idiotic ways; a smile, a laugh, a hug, a tease – even cruel and unusual...I knew it was your way of expressing love. I knew the greatness; the cataclysm inside of us was just momentarily unfit. You were my best friend, my shining star – leading me to safety in the dark, barren unknown; my hope – that fate was sure of its decision. I had a place in my heart carved out for our friendship, because I knew, in time, we would be together. What happened? Where did we go wrong? Why is everything so broken? All the talks we had about not letting them win; not giving them the advantage; not allowing them to break us – yet, you let her win. You have given her full control and even I don’t know if we can fix this. I haven’t seen you in months, and I have no way of seeing that look – the look that tells me that even in our silence, our love is insurmountable. Your level of avoidance is too great to work through. Even in our toughest moments, in one way or another, you would contact me or let me know we were okay. Now, I can’t even feel you anymore. She has consumed you; the love I loved the most is gone. I don’t see your smile when I close my eyes; I don’t hear you laughter when I am happy; I can’t hear your breathing when I lie in the dark. I have lost it all. I miss the closeness – even if our closeness was emotionally and telepathically – I miss the warmth; I feel only cold now. My soul is lifeless; the once warm and whole feeling I had with you in my life is nonexistent. It has vanished; it has all vanished and I have no way of finding my way back to you in the dark. I can no longer excavate a path to your heart and your head; the places I used to so easily be able to reach are so distant and unsearchable. I am wandering in emotional purgatory – my heart is screaming to fight for you; my head knows better than to chase you (I have been here before too many times and I know how this ends – I lose.); my pride is telling me to break what is left of your heart – But, I know how truly broken you are; I know how truly lost and hopeless you are; I know how incomparably beautiful you are even in the face of outstanding and unimaginable bullshit. So, my breath, I wait – I wait for you to find sanity in your own time and in your own way; I hold you silently until the moment that you return – until the moment you come back to me...and I can breathe again. 

365 days

My soul is a black hole of despair. One year ago today, you breathed an existence of eternity into my life.  The stars aligned in a perfect alignment of destiny. I felt every ounce of my being become whole. In one moment, everything that mattered became expendable; a new reason blossomed for existing. I knew in that moment that the look in your eyes was foretelling a journey of struggle; a battle of hope; a war of agony. I knew you were the kind of reckless that should have sent me running; I never knew what was about to hit me. One year removed from one of the happiest moments of my life, I mourn what barely existed. I have never wanted a moment back more. I would give anything to exist in your arms forever. Instead - I suffocate; I barely exist. My existence has collapsed into dust because I can barely feel you anymore. I don’t remember what your breath tastes like; the feeling of your arms around me is faint and fading; when I close my eyes, your blue eyes burn stern in my mind. I fight for some sanity of hope; maybe in another place in time, maybe our moment – our cataclysm - our fused existence, was just a moment too soon; too powerful for even the most pristine and calculated configuration to hold onto. Maybe our livelihood is better apart – separated - split.  I find myself driving to places to feel a second inside our cataclysm. I only want back what I felt for a momentary breath. I would give anything to hold you; feel you; kiss you; see you; exist peacefully with you. I only want you – in any capacity possible. I do not care if I see you as often as Haley’s Comet arrives. I only want to breathe your existence again. I miss your piercing blue eyes – the way they literally twinkle when you get excited, like the whole world is glimmering in them. I miss the way your blonde hair falls perfectly when it is tousled after you sleep. I miss your smile – the power of the sun is encapsulated in that smile and in a moment, darkness become golden warmth in your presence. I miss your laugh – the perfect pitch and note that echoes out of your chest when you laugh. Only your laugh can be played on repeat and hold a perfect harmony. There is a look in your eyes – this insanely perfect look – and there is not a way anyone could possibly understand until they see it; when you fall completely silent, and you lock eyes with a person, a glistening crosses your eyes and your lips curl ever so slightly on your face. The most perfect expression to ever cross any face. The look in your eyes plunges deep into my soul and drags out every truth I have ever known, every secret I have ever held, every feeling I have ever felt. That look told me so many things – but you won’t ever know how many feelings followed; the feeling of being absolutely perfect in my imperfection. You won’t ever know that the perfect solution to my imperfection was you being perfectly imperfect with me. 

Numb

My soul disintegrates to dirt. I lay, lifeless and long forgotten, with nothing but numbness; only cold and desolation surround me now. How do I breathe, when my only reason for breath has forsaken me and shattered the foundation of my livelihood? Is there no justice in this life? Over and over, I made leaps and bounds; continually I hopped through hoops; I gave my all for you. Over and over – You pulverized me, continuously. You never gave me any reciprocation of my unconditional and undying love; you were cold and callous. You left me alone, withered in agony and dismay, to rot; my soul, but a pile of earth, disintegrated over time. I had no control as my logic and reason took a steady decline into insanity; the blissful ignorance was a welcome blindness to your idiocy and selfishness. I see the ways in which you have used me and battered me; I see my soul lifeless next to me; I see my life ending of my own discourse.  Yet, I want to hold you. I want to tell you all the ways in which I love you so. I want to fuse our livelihoods together in a burning desire, that of which we have yet to satisfy to the extent of our togetherness, which will weld a perfect sanity in our imperfect insanity. I want wholeness with you when we are but many pieces shattered separate. Our distance is troubling. I no longer feel your warmness and see your soul. I can understand your heart no longer, as if it no longer is mine. My soul bleeds a poison black. There is no reason for fighting; an imperial relapse in all aspects of life is on the horizon. Where do I begin? Where do I end? How in the world do you expect me to complete myself when my perfect completion was your imperfection? Without you , I am soulless. 

Why bother...

I love you is such an important and special phrase. It is that phrase we reserve for people who make us absolutely nuts; the people we sometimes want to strangle; the people we are nothing without. This is the phrase that reminds our loved ones and significant others, that through all the bullshit, they are still the people we can't breathe without; they are still the ones we want to talk to at the end of a long day, even if they added to the unnecessary length and bullshit we went through. I love you shouldn't be tossed around lightly. Okay, toss it at your friends - soon enough you will know to which friends it actually means something. But at what point do you spare a broken heart? In which moment is it that you realize that feeling actually is love? They say drunkenness is when we are most truthful. If that is true, how much does a drunken I love you really mean? When those three words are all you have been waiting for, how do you ignore them like they are not important to you? You said I love you...you made the next step...now do something about it...