I Have Nothing...

My title says it all. I have nothing. At almost 25 years old, I have nothing to show for my life. Most women my age are married with kids, going for a masters degree, traveling, or doing something with their life. I have nothing to show. I have no money - But I do have over $10,000 in debt. I still live at home with my parents. My car is broken down and I can't even go anywhere. I am stuck in the house with no money, no boyfriend, and these stupid outrageous expectations. I keep hearing how well I am doing and how awesome I am and all I have is NOTHING.

My life is nothing. What is the purpose if I have no direction? What is the meaning if I have no results? I do nothing, I have nothing, I am nothing. What is the point of breathing when I am the equivalent of nothing? I don't want to be me any more. I want to be anyone, but me. I want to be the girl who has everything in front of them; the girl who has the ability to shop on credit and spend time with friends at the mall. I want to be the girl who can get on a plane and take off to a new place; the girl who is going places. I want to be the girl with the degree; the girl with the body; the girl with the boyfriend.

I hate who I am, I hate what I am doing, I hate the world, and I hate my life. I am in hell and I want out.

All About That Breast (all about that bass parody)

Lifeless

My heart is lifeless - alive only in spirit.
My heart exists only to carry blood,
I feel no more.

You tore my soul.
Not once but twice,
You shattered me.

You left me liquefied on the concrete,
splattered into nothingness.
My world falls apart into oblivion.
Bleak and dingy, my world is hollow.
Without breath, I suffocate away.

My sight goes black.
My blood slows to a halt.
I feel nothing.

I am dead.
My soul floats on.
Without your love I die.

Breathe back into me.
Resurrect my soul.
Save me from eternity.
Love me until forever.

Ignorance is bliss?

They say ignorance is bliss – but is it really blissful? Maybe the blindness is just slowly shattering our souls. Maybe we are just barely breathing. Have you ever noticed how your body always has one last breath left when you hold your breath under water – the breath that constricts your chest to the point of pain? Maybe that is the breath we live on in ignorance. Who decided it was blissful to sit around and wait? Who decided it was worth the wait? I've never been in more pain in my life. I feel my heart shattering to ashes; it as if my soul is slowly burning away in a blast of disappointment. I couldn't possibly begin to explain in all the ways I am dying inside. Nothing is supposed to be like this; we aren't supposed to be falling apart. I can feel you pulling away and I just don’t think I can survive you walking away again – that moment when my world will switch from color to black and white – the moment our existence becomes nothing more than a faded past. How am I expected to survive when the life will literally disintegrate out of my soul? I want the sun shining, music blasting, laughing until our chests hurt kind of day – I don’t want the days where it rains and the sky is black and I beg for an escape; I don’t want an existence where I suffocate for you anymore. Not a moment goes by that you are not on my mind – you are my morning thought, you linger on my mind all day, you are the thought that puts me to sleep, you are my dreams. I can’t escape the idea of you and I can’t even begin to hate you. 

Goodbye...

My soul is shattered. Our moment was perfection. I didn't ask; I didn't beg; I didn't force you to do anything. You acted on an impulse - a feeling. You made a move of epic proportions. Our souls swirled in a passionate and mesmerizing moment that my mind has squandered on since the moment your lips left mine. Our fate was sealed. A moment - a friendship - a destiny; our lives were speeding into eternity. We were only steps from capturing forever. It was as if the world stopped turning. Our reign of tortuous and heart wrenching flirtation turned into a kiss of insurmountable epicness. Epic passion, epic closeness, epic understanding ensued in an instant. Friends don't kiss like we did; best friends don't kiss like we did; lovers kiss like we did. Don't tell me you don't kiss; don't tell me you didn't feel it; don't tell me it was nothing – I call bullshit. We are perfection and you are scared. You are terrified to move towards forever.

And yet, you allowed our destiny to disintegrate. You found a way to completely destroy me without trying. Only now do I know that your lips on mine, the moment that revolutionized our existences, was simply a goodbye. The kiss that changed our relationship forever was only a moment of closure for you; a moment to end an internal struggle. I don’t blame you – I blame us equally. If only one of us were honest with each other; if only I knew you were saying goodbye – I would have begged you to stay. My soul has expired. There are no words to explain the gravity of the situation. Our ending was accelerated in one swift motion. I had no control, no saving grace, and no chance of surviving. We are anything but existing – our relationship, our friendship, our time, has escaped us. We kissed forever goodbye – You kissed forever goodbye.

But I love you; I've always loved you; I will always love you. You were my best friend. You were my rock. You were my happiness, when I never imagined happiness was possible. You were my saving grace so many times, I cannot even count. You are my forever.  I can't imagine how I will survive without you. But I will continue to breathe. I will continue to hold you dear and I will always remember the feeling you gave me, even when you didn’t know it. I will continue to hope that our paths will cross one day, because it is all I have left. I am completely in love with you and I can only hope that somewhere in your cold and desolate existence, underneath all the lies and hate, you love me too. 

Be Free

If I had one wish for you, I can only hope you find the love I feel for you. I hope you find someone who cherishes you so deeply that you do not know what loneliness is. I hope that you are loved so deeply and reciprocate that love so deeply, that not even the end of the world could cause your love to falter. In quiet moments, I pray to God that you never feel an ounce of the pain I have suffered through. Any discomfort that a loss of love could cause you would surely cause my soul to cripple. Even with you gone, I hold a space so special and pronounced in my heart for you that my soul is directly connected to your emotions. Promise me that you will chase your dreams and fight for your beliefs. Don’t ever shy away from your goals or the path less traveled. You are an outstanding and amazing person. You are capable of so many incredible things. I only hope that you put us behind you and chase after them. I would never want to hold you back, even if that means you let me go. You gave me so many things to live for.; I remember saying to myself one day, “My soul is on fire with passion.” You gave me an opportunity to feel love and I can never give you enough thank yous. You made me feel superior to everyone else and important even in dead silence and little moments. You made darkness bright. I will never forget our time together. Be free my love – for I have nothing left to offer you. 

Breathe

There are so many emotions built up in my heart. I feel like the only sanity I had was you. Like in the middle of all of the craziness and chaos you were that moment when I remembered to breathe; you were the moment of serenity when I knew that it was all worth it; that the heartache and pain was the greatest blessing I had, because I knew that I would be able to share a moment with you. The way you could reassure me that it was all gonna be okay, even in the most insane and idiotic ways; a smile, a laugh, a hug, a tease – even cruel and unusual...I knew it was your way of expressing love. I knew the greatness; the cataclysm inside of us was just momentarily unfit. You were my best friend, my shining star – leading me to safety in the dark, barren unknown; my hope – that fate was sure of its decision. I had a place in my heart carved out for our friendship, because I knew, in time, we would be together. What happened? Where did we go wrong? Why is everything so broken? All the talks we had about not letting them win; not giving them the advantage; not allowing them to break us – yet, you let her win. You have given her full control and even I don’t know if we can fix this. I haven’t seen you in months, and I have no way of seeing that look – the look that tells me that even in our silence, our love is insurmountable. Your level of avoidance is too great to work through. Even in our toughest moments, in one way or another, you would contact me or let me know we were okay. Now, I can’t even feel you anymore. She has consumed you; the love I loved the most is gone. I don’t see your smile when I close my eyes; I don’t hear you laughter when I am happy; I can’t hear your breathing when I lie in the dark. I have lost it all. I miss the closeness – even if our closeness was emotionally and telepathically – I miss the warmth; I feel only cold now. My soul is lifeless; the once warm and whole feeling I had with you in my life is nonexistent. It has vanished; it has all vanished and I have no way of finding my way back to you in the dark. I can no longer excavate a path to your heart and your head; the places I used to so easily be able to reach are so distant and unsearchable. I am wandering in emotional purgatory – my heart is screaming to fight for you; my head knows better than to chase you (I have been here before too many times and I know how this ends – I lose.); my pride is telling me to break what is left of your heart – But, I know how truly broken you are; I know how truly lost and hopeless you are; I know how incomparably beautiful you are even in the face of outstanding and unimaginable bullshit. So, my breath, I wait – I wait for you to find sanity in your own time and in your own way; I hold you silently until the moment that you return – until the moment you come back to me...and I can breathe again. 

365 days

My soul is a black hole of despair. One year ago today, you breathed an existence of eternity into my life.  The stars aligned in a perfect alignment of destiny. I felt every ounce of my being become whole. In one moment, everything that mattered became expendable; a new reason blossomed for existing. I knew in that moment that the look in your eyes was foretelling a journey of struggle; a battle of hope; a war of agony. I knew you were the kind of reckless that should have sent me running; I never knew what was about to hit me. One year removed from one of the happiest moments of my life, I mourn what barely existed. I have never wanted a moment back more. I would give anything to exist in your arms forever. Instead - I suffocate; I barely exist. My existence has collapsed into dust because I can barely feel you anymore. I don’t remember what your breath tastes like; the feeling of your arms around me is faint and fading; when I close my eyes, your blue eyes burn stern in my mind. I fight for some sanity of hope; maybe in another place in time, maybe our moment – our cataclysm - our fused existence, was just a moment too soon; too powerful for even the most pristine and calculated configuration to hold onto. Maybe our livelihood is better apart – separated - split.  I find myself driving to places to feel a second inside our cataclysm. I only want back what I felt for a momentary breath. I would give anything to hold you; feel you; kiss you; see you; exist peacefully with you. I only want you – in any capacity possible. I do not care if I see you as often as Haley’s Comet arrives. I only want to breathe your existence again. I miss your piercing blue eyes – the way they literally twinkle when you get excited, like the whole world is glimmering in them. I miss the way your blonde hair falls perfectly when it is tousled after you sleep. I miss your smile – the power of the sun is encapsulated in that smile and in a moment, darkness become golden warmth in your presence. I miss your laugh – the perfect pitch and note that echoes out of your chest when you laugh. Only your laugh can be played on repeat and hold a perfect harmony. There is a look in your eyes – this insanely perfect look – and there is not a way anyone could possibly understand until they see it; when you fall completely silent, and you lock eyes with a person, a glistening crosses your eyes and your lips curl ever so slightly on your face. The most perfect expression to ever cross any face. The look in your eyes plunges deep into my soul and drags out every truth I have ever known, every secret I have ever held, every feeling I have ever felt. That look told me so many things – but you won’t ever know how many feelings followed; the feeling of being absolutely perfect in my imperfection. You won’t ever know that the perfect solution to my imperfection was you being perfectly imperfect with me. 

Numb

My soul disintegrates to dirt. I lay, lifeless and long forgotten, with nothing but numbness; only cold and desolation surround me now. How do I breathe, when my only reason for breath has forsaken me and shattered the foundation of my livelihood? Is there no justice in this life? Over and over, I made leaps and bounds; continually I hopped through hoops; I gave my all for you. Over and over – You pulverized me, continuously. You never gave me any reciprocation of my unconditional and undying love; you were cold and callous. You left me alone, withered in agony and dismay, to rot; my soul, but a pile of earth, disintegrated over time. I had no control as my logic and reason took a steady decline into insanity; the blissful ignorance was a welcome blindness to your idiocy and selfishness. I see the ways in which you have used me and battered me; I see my soul lifeless next to me; I see my life ending of my own discourse.  Yet, I want to hold you. I want to tell you all the ways in which I love you so. I want to fuse our livelihoods together in a burning desire, that of which we have yet to satisfy to the extent of our togetherness, which will weld a perfect sanity in our imperfect insanity. I want wholeness with you when we are but many pieces shattered separate. Our distance is troubling. I no longer feel your warmness and see your soul. I can understand your heart no longer, as if it no longer is mine. My soul bleeds a poison black. There is no reason for fighting; an imperial relapse in all aspects of life is on the horizon. Where do I begin? Where do I end? How in the world do you expect me to complete myself when my perfect completion was your imperfection? Without you , I am soulless. 

Why bother...

I love you is such an important and special phrase. It is that phrase we reserve for people who make us absolutely nuts; the people we sometimes want to strangle; the people we are nothing without. This is the phrase that reminds our loved ones and significant others, that through all the bullshit, they are still the people we can't breathe without; they are still the ones we want to talk to at the end of a long day, even if they added to the unnecessary length and bullshit we went through. I love you shouldn't be tossed around lightly. Okay, toss it at your friends - soon enough you will know to which friends it actually means something. But at what point do you spare a broken heart? In which moment is it that you realize that feeling actually is love? They say drunkenness is when we are most truthful. If that is true, how much does a drunken I love you really mean? When those three words are all you have been waiting for, how do you ignore them like they are not important to you? You said I love you...you made the next step...now do something about it...

Accidental Serendipity

In our moment, it was as if the Earth separated at it's axis and we were suspended between the core of the Earth; enveloped in a burning desire; surrounded by a blazing eternity; illuminated by irrevocable perfection. Inside us a cataclysm bound our souls to each other; our lives yielded together in a breathless and silent collapse of any foundation, stability, and control we knew. Reality shattered away around us; darkness sealed our hidden desire; time halted beneath us. Our breath became one flowing motion; our skin sparked and burnt with flaming ecstasy; our destinies were driven together in a fated existence. Our skin was on fire; a furious, long awaiting blaze that consumed our lust. There was only us. We were but two souls entangled in one passion; two souls bound by one burning desire; two souls completing a destiny that is yet to be foretold. 

I spend every night letting precious minutes waste away. The time seems suspended in space; blackness enveloping me as I fall into it's somber embrace. The space around me suffocating in it's own existence expels an anxiety that is pulverizing my core. Shallow breaths reminding me of the extreme paralysis within me. It is my feeble and melancholy self realization that shatters the density around me. I stare at my phone. It's silence is deafening. It is a painful reminder that you are gone. Each moment screaming louder at me, "Just let go." Three words that could rescue my existence from impending extinction. I ignore them. It is in the painful and core shattering moment that I realize how little I matter; however, hope clings to that sliver. Maybe, on some level, the timing is off. Maybe all destiny needs it time to reconfigure the equation. The ticking of my mental clock snaps me out of my own mind. I am left in the blackness; I re-invite the somber. Through this melancholy, I can self sooth and remember. It is not the end of my life, though it seems it. Trust time, for it is all I have.

Messages

Sometimes, I write messages to you that are paragraphs and paragraphs long. I spend hours pouring out my heart to you. And then in an instant, I remember that even if I tell you of the purest and most raw emotions and the most powerful feelings I have for you, it won't make you love me. It won't make you change your mind because you have already made up your mind. That I am not the person that you want. So I delete it. Instead of sharing with you my deepest desires and feelings I swallow my pride and remind myself, that if you wanted me, you would have me.

It's that kiss

It's that kiss where he puts his arms around your waist and pulls you in really tight to him and it makes your toes kind of curl up. And he kinda bends you backwards while you kiss. And you lose yourself. And the only thing holding you up is his arms on your lower back. And your lips are on fire. Like you have just eaten big red gum and then poured gasoline on your lips and lit them on fire. and then you just kind of stand there for a few moments with your lips together with your breathing hitting each others while you regain composure. It's that kiss...The one people search an eternity for.

A Thousand Years

I have fallen in love with this song. It is absolutely my perfect wedding song and it melts my heart every time I hear it. This is my perfect song.

Truth Is

Truth is I wish we talked more. I know I am wasting my time, but I still hold hope that maybe through some shred of a miracle that you just might want to talk to me too. I know this is extremely wishful thinking on my part. However, I was always told to dream big. I guess on some level I am just hoping that one day you see what is going on here and stop pretending like you are too damn good for me. I hope for your sake, the day you finally realize what I have seen all this time, you are not too late to save what will eventually be but a fleeting memory. I hope you are smart enough to know what you are doing before it cannot be undone. Before you know it, I will be long gone and the moments I wasted waiting for you will be time I will eventually consider a grave loss. Time that I will never be able to make up, because you were just too stubborn to realize and see what I see; absolute perfection. I see the one thing people search for their entire lives and it is flying right by you. Please, I am begging you to wake up before I have to walk out of your life forever. Do not let me do something that you will regret.

He Is Just Not That Into You

I wonder if I am the only one? When I have a broken heart, I watch romance movies to give me hope that real love still exists. I guess that is kind of an oxymoron, considering I am watching a fictional story to support true love. But what about the movies that warn us about broken hearts? What about the character's that tell us which guys to steer clear of?

For Example:

• He Is Just Not That Into You
• Hitch
• Think Like A Man
• The Ugly Truth

I was watching He Is Just Not That Into You yesterday and it got me thinking about how we women approach men. Sure we tell men it is all about approach, but are we preaching a piece of advice that we absolutely do not follow? I know that I rush into having feelings. At the first sign of a possible feeling, I associate it with the "spark". Maybe he is just friendly. Maybe we just approach a potential relationship too fast. Let's be honest. What the fuck is the "spark?" Does it even exist? Is there really a spark? Sexual Chemistry? A spark of attraction? And where does this "spark" derive from?

"Guys invented the "spark" so that they could not call, and treat you kind of bad, and keep you guessing, and they convince you that that anxiety and that fear that they're throwing at you is actually, just a "spark". And you guys all buy it. You eat it up. And you love it. You love it because you feed off that drama. You all love that drama." Alex - He Is Just Not That Into You

Do we actually buy this shit? I mean, do we really fall for the cold shoulder? I know I sure do. I trust that guys are just human beings. I try to give guys the benefit of the doubt and all I end up doing is making excuses for them. "He is busy." "He doesn't have his phone with him." "Maybe he is asleep." "He just isn't ready yet." "He still has a lot to learn." At 21 years old, I am still fucking making excuses for why guys treat me like shit. I am giving them enough slack to strangle the belief in love right out of me. I am allowing them to treat me like shit when everyone knows the simple truth:

"...if a guy is treating you like he doesn't give a shit, he genuinely doesn't give a shit. No exceptions.." Alex - He Is Just Not That Into You

"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up: if a boy punches you he likes you, never try to trim your own bangs, and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. every movie we see, every story we're told implores us to wait for it: the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. but sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. how to tell the ones who want us from the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. and maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. maybe the happy ending is just moving on. or maybe the happy ending is this: knowing after all the unreturned phone calls and broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment... you never gave up hope. " Gigi - He Is Just Not That Into You

So what do we do? Do we hold onto hope? Do we continue on with the way we have been doing things all this time? What if we try to evolve?  What if as women, we learn from our experiences and heartbreaks and transform ourselves into a more powerful and knowledgeable sex? Instead of hurting, we should teach each other the tricks we have learned. So guys treat us like crap. Let us learn why and fix it. Let us learn what makes them tick and why we are not able to understand them. 

“You have to be two people. The saint and the sinner. The librarian and the stripper.” Mike Chadway – The Ugly Truth

So here it is. Right above here. The Truth is, we are expected to be two people. We are expected to be the girl he will bring home to his mother and the girl who he will dream about for the next five days after he sleep with us. We are expected to be Nice and Naughty. And while we do that, here is what we must remember:

Alex: Your friend Terri's an idiot. And she's also the exception. By the way. The rare exception.

Gigi: Okay. Okay. But what if I'm the exception?

Alex: No, you're not. You're not at all. In fact, you're the rule. And the rule is this--if a guy doesn't call you, he doesn't want to call you.  

Alex & Gigi - He Is Just Not That Into You

And it generally works with any rule guys have. If a guy wants you he will make it happen. If he isn't calling, it's because he doesn't want to. If he isn't making the time for you he doesn't want you. Women are told their whole life that we are the exception. That men are douches because they like us. It is bullshit. If he wants you, he will make it happen. And I just have to stop believing I am the exception. We are not the exception. The guy is a douche. Let him go and move on. Allow yourself the time to live. Be your own fucking person. Stop depending on them. Stop giving them the power over us. WE ARE NOT THE EXCEPTION. 

"...we're not the exception; we're the rule."

Gigi - He Is Just Not That Into You

Let's be honest though. I can put all of this here in front of you, and we still will not change. We will still believe we are someone's exception. We will still make excuses for guys who treat us like complete trash. But even while we are doing that, maybe we can take the time to change just a little bit. Maybe we can learn to not take the bullshit as much or maybe we learn to win him over in non-conventional ways. Maybe we become the woman he wants even though he doesn't know what he wants. 

"I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so 

much but at least that means that I still care. 

Oh! You've think you won because women are expendable to you. 

You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way 

but you don't fall in love that way either. You have not won. 

You're alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit but I'm still a lot closer to love than you are." 

Gigi - He Is Just Not That Into You

Then of course, we could always go with this nugget of gold: 

"So you wanna win a man over? You don't need 10 steps. You need one and it's called a blowjob."

 Mike Chadway – The Ugly Truth

I'm not saying it will work, but it might. HAHA

What is happening?

Sometimes, I wonder what it is that makes people tick. What are they waiting for? What is it that they need and are longing for in their life to make them feel complete? Sometimes, if I just knew what these things were, I may actually have a shot at being the person that can complete that puzzle for them. I just wish for once, I could have this tiny advantage. I wish that I could be their soul’s counterpoint.

Okay, I’m guilty as charged. I do not want to make people tick. I want to make him tick. I want to know what it is that makes him tick. What is it that he needs? What is it that he is longing for? What is it that he wants? If only I knew what caught his attention. Well, I’m not a skinny fucking blonde, so I am already a step behind in this game. But what is it that skinny blonde’s have not given him thus far? What is it that he is still looking for? At this point, I can say, I have made very little progress. He only seldom talks to me and it breaks me inside. It drains the life out of me. I am lost in a world I only just discovered. I am searching for the end zone and I am still at the podium calling out my first round draft pick.

There just wasn't enough time. There weren't sufficient grounds to move forward; I took a leap of faith that flattened the helium foundation I was building. I exploded onto concrete and I am forced to figure out where it is that I need to begin again. Maybe I start with me. Maybe if I become the person I want to be and I find solace within myself, I will begin to fall into his gravitational pull. Then again, I guess I would need to know what his gravitational pull reaches for. What is it that it gravitates towards?

I do not even have a starting point regarding to him. I am spinning in circles and I continue to spin even though I am afraid I am going to become too dizzy to stand. I am running the risk of slamming right through the core of the Earth. As I spin, my mind swirls in the opposite direction with lingering thoughts. I am completely upside down and inside out. Which way is up? Am I at the beginning or the ending? I am lost. I am searching for a light in a pit of darkness and it just is not there. I am screaming with all of my might; Screaming for help and no one hears me. No one is listening. I am falling in love; I am going insane and I am in this game alone.

I am chasing a person who does not even remotely feel the same way. I might as well be an imaginative person to him. I am not even on his radar. He does not care what happens in my life or where I end up. He is moving on; I am longing for him like an obsessed ex lover, like a lost puppy who has lost her mother. I am dying over this kid and my feelings are hitting a brick wall. There is a wall of non-reciprocated feelings and I have run straight into it. I am flat against the brick and flat against concrete and I am breathless. I am suffocating. I am gasping for air. I AM DYING; of course, in a figurative sense.

How do you even consider letting go of the person you are sure is your soul mate. Didn't God give us that little switch for a reason? Aren't you just supposed to know? Maybe I need to just trust my faith. I know God will bring him to me if he is in fact my soul mate. Am I supposed to die slowly each day until this happens? Do I move on? Do I try to be his perfect girl? Am I expected to wait? There are so many fucking questions. There are too many variations of where I could go, what I could do, and what could happen. I do not know where to begin. I am sinking and drowning a little more each day. I swallow more water and it fills my lungs. I cannot breathe. I can only suffocate.

My ability to breathe left me when he walked away. The solace and completeness I felt within his arms is gone. I am not going to feel that again. I cannot change what he feels for me. No matter how hard I try and no matter how much I want to.

I need to give up on this. I need to be me and I need to change what I am doing. I cannot live my life spinning around this anymore. I cannot expect things to fall into place. I need to turn myself right side up and fix myself before I collapse to dust. How? Where the fuck do I begin? Truth is I would rather die chasing him then live the rest of my life with anyone else.  I would rather cry alone each night, than sleep peacefully cuddling with anyone else. I would rather watch him fall in love and be happy with someone else than move on and maybe one day realize he just wasn't ready. I would rather be sure. I would rather live with this heartache and dying inside me. At least then, he is still a part of me. At least then, I can keep this alive. At least then, I have the heartache to look forward to.

I do not even think there are enough words to explain just how deeply this feeling is within me. I don’t know that I could ever heal this pain deep inside without him. I am not sure I will even be the same. I have been flipped inside out. I have been completely changed. I have been completely revolutionized. I just want to be a better person. I want to be his everything. I want to live the rest of my life for him and pleasing him. I am dying to be his, in any way he will have me. I cannot explain just how much I need him. Just how deeply he has sunk into my core. I am incomplete. I am lifeless. I am numb. I am nothing.

I have never felt a greater need. I have never wanted to risk so much to be with a person. I have never felt this drawn to a person in my entire fucking life. I am not sure if I can explain what he does to me, but I am sure going to try:

He is utterly gorgeous. He is the perfect looking guy; I have been looking for him. He can make me laugh and forget about life, even when I have the deepest sadness within my heart. He saw right through my bullshit. I am transparent to him. The way he held me was like I had been the missing piece his arms were looking for. The pure emotion and feeling built up in my heart could stand to tear me apart. He is a mess; a beautiful disaster. I see him smile and my heart warms me. I never intended to fall for him. However, I have fallen for him in the worst way. I cannot breathe when I am without him. My world is cold and desolate without his glow. He lights up everything around him. I could spend eternity looking at him. I could spend forever listening to him. I could spend a thousand years listening to his laughter; it is breathtaking. Everything he does is like pure ecstasy. He is the air within my lungs. I laugh longer with him around; I'm happier around him. I am whole with him and I feel complete with him. My heart does not feel dead and lifeless. He makes me feel safe, accomplished, energized; I am ready to do anything. Without him I am lonely, idiotic, breathless, and afraid. Without him I am nothing; I am simply one half of a whole. He is my souls counter point. We belong together and if I cannot have him I will forever be incomplete, alone, and only one half of a whole. If I cannot have him, I do not want anyone else. He is everything to me. It will be my life mission to acquire his love! And if I never succeed, it will be worth the fucking heartbreak.

Every tear I have cried is worth it. Every night I have lost sleep while thinking of him is worth it. Every time I have felt embarrassed while being picked on is worth it. Every panic attack is worth it. IT IS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING WORTH IT. I have spent eternity looking for him. I have spent my whole life looking for him. I remember looking up at God and thinking, “I get it now. All the heartbreaks, have led to this. He is perfect.” He is the person I have been waiting for. He is my perfect fit and it may not seem like it now, I am His. I am the woman who can revolutionize his life and his world.

I need one chance. I need 20 seconds with him and if he just trusts in faith and in fate he will see what I am talking about. One Kiss; one moment of connection is all I am asking. I am not asking for him to love me automatically, I am just asking him not to push me away. Do not cast me out because I am not America’s “Perfect” girl. I am not the obvious choice, but I will spend eternity making sure he never goes without. I will make sure he is happy, safe, satisfied, and never needing anything again. I am ready, willing, and able to be his.

I don't know where we will end up in five years, but I can only hope I will be in his arms. I can only pray that he will be telling me he loves me. All I can bet on is hope. I have built up a volatile energy in my heart and it is threatening to explode straight through my core. It is waiting for the most pristine moment to collapse me into the dirt. To tare me apart; to shatter me; to extinct me. I would be no more. There is only a single diffusion of this explosive inside me. There is only one way extraction can occur and without a secondary host to soften the explosion, I am but shattered glass along the roadside. He is the only person with the secret of extraction and diffusion. I am but a ticking time bomb, because he is the only one I tick for.  He is my tick.

Can I stand to spend another moment without him? Is it possible with the way he has driven straight through my core? Can I withstand the dying inside me?

I'm scared. I'm afraid. I am terrified of losing him before I even have a chance to tell him how deeply he has stricken me. I am afraid that my soul is incorrect and he will become a fleeting memory. I am afraid I have let him walk out of my life forever and there is no way I can ever recuperate the fight for his love. I am afraid he has no idea how perfect we are for each other. I am terrified I have become obsessed and am losing sight of myself.

I want him. I need him; like I've never needed anyone before. I have never felt such a deep rooted pull. I am being pulled into a somber surrender and I am terrified I will never pull myself out. Without the love that is driving my longing, I may suffocate and wither away into nothingness. Rot into oblivion and be but a thoughtless memory in his mind.

Is there not anything I can do? Is there not any direction that can be given? Am I just shooting in the dark hoping for something that will never be mine? Am I losing it? Am I insane? Or am I in love? How the fuck does one even decipher this? I feel like I am being stabbed; thousands of times, over and over. I feel like my heart is being torn out. I feel like I am suffocating into the darkness. I panic. I panic and the panic attacks me when I think of him being gone. I am slowly slipping away.

Sure, I am not actually dying or suffocating, but the emotion dying deep inside me certainly has manifested itself into a dark pit of misery that thrives on my weakness. It works all hours of the day to pull me in. 

We need it...

Why do we fall in love?

It is a basic human necessity. We strive to love and be loved. Since the beginning of time, our instincts have told us to find love and to be loved. It satisfies a very primal need to be appreciated, to be nurtured, to be significant. It is stronger than any other feeling. It surpasses all other emotions. We still fall in love after a broken heart. It mends us, brings us to life, and satisfies a part of our human complexities that we cannot self satisfy. As a human being we strive to socialize and on a more complex and refined level we strive to socialize on a more intimate level. Love allows us to intimately socialize. We look for the ability to know a person beyond just basic human capacities. We feed off the knowledge that a person is so in tune to what we want and need and is so significantly effected by us. Our soul searches for a counter point in another human being and we are lost and unknown until we find our counter point. Love is the answer to almost every problem we have as a human being

Love; Simple, irrevocable love.

Age...

What is it, but a number? Factually, it is an accurate account of how long we have been a living human being. How long we have been breathing and keeps an accurate record of our continual aging as we grow nearer to our final salvation and everlasting life.

But, does age tell us how wise we are? Usually, it can be a very good predictor. But age can never account for the diamonds that are already taking shape. Sometimes, age is simply a boundary that is keeping us from something great. Age is an emotionless and non-relevant reminder of society's illogical boundaries keeping us from our true destinies.

Tell me, if a 40 year old man dates a 20 year old woman, what reaction does he get? Usually, by most of his friends, he is applauded. By women, he is a man. We believe he is a pig who needs a younger woman. always looking for the next best thing. What about a woman who is 40 and a guy who is 20. Then, he is applauded. and the woman; well she is a "cougar".

Seriously, age only tells us one thing, how long we have been living. If there wasn't such an emphasis on the ages of the people we are with or the people we fall for, more people may actually find love. Now, I am not saying 40 year old men should be able to marry 3 year old.  I am simply saying, if you happen to find solace and peace in your time spent with a guy four years younger than you, who is society to tell you it is inappropriate? Okay, we have laws. 18 is legal adulthood. But the law is no less forgiving that society. Most of the time, relationships are torn apart by parents who do not like "that guy" their daughter is seeing or vice versa.

So society has this game of breaking us down. She is too old, he is too young. He is too old, she is too young. He could be her father, she could be his granddaughter. How about society butts out?
How about we search for love. How about we look for the rarest and most pure emotion I have ever had the honor of feeling. LOVE; a four letter word that can fundamentally change the schematics of our life. A word that can have us chasing eternity. A word that has the power to make us break every rule, moral, and value we have set in place and believed in.

As in 1 Corinthians 13:

 "If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part,¹⁰ but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. ¹¹ When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. ¹² For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³ And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

Love. Undying, irrevocable love. It is what we, as human beings, are forever searching for. Our soul is always looking for it's counter point in another. As a hopeless romantic, I could never allow myself to shy away from love.

Fight for love. Hope for love. Pray for love. Advocate for love. We are the basic puzzle pieces of love. Heart to heart, we are always betting on, hoping for, and searching for love even on our most basic level.

Why keep ourselves from it?

If you find it, bottle it up, hold onto it tight, and enjoy the ride. It is a quick one.