My soul is a black hole of despair. One year ago today, you
breathed an existence of eternity into my life. The stars aligned in a perfect alignment of destiny.
I felt every ounce of my being become whole. In one moment, everything that
mattered became expendable; a new reason blossomed for existing. I knew in that
moment that the look in your eyes was foretelling a journey of struggle; a
battle of hope; a war of agony. I knew you were the kind of reckless that
should have sent me running; I never knew what was about to hit me. One year
removed from one of the happiest moments of my life, I mourn what barely
existed. I have never wanted a moment back more. I would give anything to exist
in your arms forever. Instead - I suffocate; I barely exist. My existence has
collapsed into dust because I can barely feel you anymore. I don’t remember
what your breath tastes like; the feeling of your arms around me is faint and
fading; when I close my eyes, your blue eyes burn stern in my mind. I fight for
some sanity of hope; maybe in another place in time, maybe our moment – our cataclysm
- our fused existence, was just a moment too soon; too powerful for even the
most pristine and calculated configuration to hold onto. Maybe our livelihood
is better apart – separated - split. I
find myself driving to places to feel a second inside our cataclysm. I only
want back what I felt for a momentary breath. I would give anything to hold
you; feel you; kiss you; see you; exist peacefully with you. I only want you –
in any capacity possible. I do not care if I see you as often as Haley’s Comet
arrives. I only want to breathe your existence again. I miss your piercing blue
eyes – the way they literally twinkle when you get excited, like the whole
world is glimmering in them. I miss the way your blonde hair falls perfectly
when it is tousled after you sleep. I miss your smile – the power of the sun is encapsulated in that smile and in a moment, darkness become golden warmth in your
presence. I miss your laugh – the perfect pitch and note that echoes out of
your chest when you laugh. Only your laugh can be played on repeat and hold a
perfect harmony. There is a look in your eyes – this insanely perfect look –
and there is not a way anyone could possibly understand until they see it; when
you fall completely silent, and you lock eyes with a person, a glistening
crosses your eyes and your lips curl ever so slightly on your face. The most
perfect expression to ever cross any face. The look in your eyes plunges deep
into my soul and drags out every truth I have ever known, every secret I have
ever held, every feeling I have ever felt. That look told me so many things –
but you won’t ever know how many feelings followed; the feeling of being
absolutely perfect in my imperfection. You won’t ever know that the perfect
solution to my imperfection was you being perfectly imperfect with me.