Ignorance is bliss?

They say ignorance is bliss – but is it really blissful? Maybe the blindness is just slowly shattering our souls. Maybe we are just barely breathing. Have you ever noticed how your body always has one last breath left when you hold your breath under water – the breath that constricts your chest to the point of pain? Maybe that is the breath we live on in ignorance. Who decided it was blissful to sit around and wait? Who decided it was worth the wait? I've never been in more pain in my life. I feel my heart shattering to ashes; it as if my soul is slowly burning away in a blast of disappointment. I couldn't possibly begin to explain in all the ways I am dying inside. Nothing is supposed to be like this; we aren't supposed to be falling apart. I can feel you pulling away and I just don’t think I can survive you walking away again – that moment when my world will switch from color to black and white – the moment our existence becomes nothing more than a faded past. How am I expected to survive when the life will literally disintegrate out of my soul? I want the sun shining, music blasting, laughing until our chests hurt kind of day – I don’t want the days where it rains and the sky is black and I beg for an escape; I don’t want an existence where I suffocate for you anymore. Not a moment goes by that you are not on my mind – you are my morning thought, you linger on my mind all day, you are the thought that puts me to sleep, you are my dreams. I can’t escape the idea of you and I can’t even begin to hate you. 

Goodbye...

My soul is shattered. Our moment was perfection. I didn't ask; I didn't beg; I didn't force you to do anything. You acted on an impulse - a feeling. You made a move of epic proportions. Our souls swirled in a passionate and mesmerizing moment that my mind has squandered on since the moment your lips left mine. Our fate was sealed. A moment - a friendship - a destiny; our lives were speeding into eternity. We were only steps from capturing forever. It was as if the world stopped turning. Our reign of tortuous and heart wrenching flirtation turned into a kiss of insurmountable epicness. Epic passion, epic closeness, epic understanding ensued in an instant. Friends don't kiss like we did; best friends don't kiss like we did; lovers kiss like we did. Don't tell me you don't kiss; don't tell me you didn't feel it; don't tell me it was nothing – I call bullshit. We are perfection and you are scared. You are terrified to move towards forever.

And yet, you allowed our destiny to disintegrate. You found a way to completely destroy me without trying. Only now do I know that your lips on mine, the moment that revolutionized our existences, was simply a goodbye. The kiss that changed our relationship forever was only a moment of closure for you; a moment to end an internal struggle. I don’t blame you – I blame us equally. If only one of us were honest with each other; if only I knew you were saying goodbye – I would have begged you to stay. My soul has expired. There are no words to explain the gravity of the situation. Our ending was accelerated in one swift motion. I had no control, no saving grace, and no chance of surviving. We are anything but existing – our relationship, our friendship, our time, has escaped us. We kissed forever goodbye – You kissed forever goodbye.

But I love you; I've always loved you; I will always love you. You were my best friend. You were my rock. You were my happiness, when I never imagined happiness was possible. You were my saving grace so many times, I cannot even count. You are my forever.  I can't imagine how I will survive without you. But I will continue to breathe. I will continue to hold you dear and I will always remember the feeling you gave me, even when you didn’t know it. I will continue to hope that our paths will cross one day, because it is all I have left. I am completely in love with you and I can only hope that somewhere in your cold and desolate existence, underneath all the lies and hate, you love me too. 

Be Free

If I had one wish for you, I can only hope you find the love I feel for you. I hope you find someone who cherishes you so deeply that you do not know what loneliness is. I hope that you are loved so deeply and reciprocate that love so deeply, that not even the end of the world could cause your love to falter. In quiet moments, I pray to God that you never feel an ounce of the pain I have suffered through. Any discomfort that a loss of love could cause you would surely cause my soul to cripple. Even with you gone, I hold a space so special and pronounced in my heart for you that my soul is directly connected to your emotions. Promise me that you will chase your dreams and fight for your beliefs. Don’t ever shy away from your goals or the path less traveled. You are an outstanding and amazing person. You are capable of so many incredible things. I only hope that you put us behind you and chase after them. I would never want to hold you back, even if that means you let me go. You gave me so many things to live for.; I remember saying to myself one day, “My soul is on fire with passion.” You gave me an opportunity to feel love and I can never give you enough thank yous. You made me feel superior to everyone else and important even in dead silence and little moments. You made darkness bright. I will never forget our time together. Be free my love – for I have nothing left to offer you.