There are so many emotions built up in my heart. I feel like
the only sanity I had was you. Like in the middle of all of the craziness and
chaos you were that moment when I remembered to breathe; you were the moment of
serenity when I knew that it was all worth it; that the heartache and pain was
the greatest blessing I had, because I knew that I would be able to share a
moment with you. The way you could reassure me that it was all gonna be okay,
even in the most insane and idiotic ways; a smile, a laugh, a hug, a tease –
even cruel and unusual...I knew it was your way of expressing love. I knew the greatness;
the cataclysm inside of us was just momentarily unfit. You were my best friend,
my shining star – leading me to safety in the dark, barren unknown; my hope –
that fate was sure of its decision. I had a place in my heart carved out for
our friendship, because I knew, in time, we would be together. What happened? Where
did we go wrong? Why is everything so broken? All the talks we had about not
letting them win; not giving them the advantage; not allowing them to break us –
yet, you let her win. You have given her full control and even I don’t know if
we can fix this. I haven’t seen you in months, and I have no way of seeing that
look – the look that tells me that even in our silence, our love is insurmountable.
Your level of avoidance is too great to work through. Even in our toughest
moments, in one way or another, you would contact me or let me know we were
okay. Now, I can’t even feel you anymore. She has consumed you; the love I
loved the most is gone. I don’t see your smile when I close my eyes; I don’t
hear you laughter when I am happy; I can’t hear your breathing when I lie in
the dark. I have lost it all. I miss the closeness – even if our closeness was
emotionally and telepathically – I miss the warmth; I feel only cold now. My
soul is lifeless; the once warm and whole feeling I had with you in my life is nonexistent.
It has vanished; it has all vanished and I have no way of finding my way back
to you in the dark. I can no longer excavate a path to your heart and your
head; the places I used to so easily be able to reach are so distant and
unsearchable. I am wandering in emotional purgatory – my heart is screaming to
fight for you; my head knows better than to chase you (I have been here before
too many times and I know how this ends – I lose.); my pride is telling me to
break what is left of your heart – But, I know how truly broken you are; I know
how truly lost and hopeless you are; I know how incomparably beautiful you are even
in the face of outstanding and unimaginable bullshit. So, my breath, I wait – I
wait for you to find sanity in your own time and in your own way; I hold you
silently until the moment that you return – until the moment you come back to
me...and I can breathe again.
