What is happening?

Sometimes, I wonder what it is that makes people tick. What are they waiting for? What is it that they need and are longing for in their life to make them feel complete? Sometimes, if I just knew what these things were, I may actually have a shot at being the person that can complete that puzzle for them. I just wish for once, I could have this tiny advantage. I wish that I could be their soul’s counterpoint.

Okay, I’m guilty as charged. I do not want to make people tick. I want to make him tick. I want to know what it is that makes him tick. What is it that he needs? What is it that he is longing for? What is it that he wants? If only I knew what caught his attention. Well, I’m not a skinny fucking blonde, so I am already a step behind in this game. But what is it that skinny blonde’s have not given him thus far? What is it that he is still looking for? At this point, I can say, I have made very little progress. He only seldom talks to me and it breaks me inside. It drains the life out of me. I am lost in a world I only just discovered. I am searching for the end zone and I am still at the podium calling out my first round draft pick.

There just wasn't enough time. There weren't sufficient grounds to move forward; I took a leap of faith that flattened the helium foundation I was building. I exploded onto concrete and I am forced to figure out where it is that I need to begin again. Maybe I start with me. Maybe if I become the person I want to be and I find solace within myself, I will begin to fall into his gravitational pull. Then again, I guess I would need to know what his gravitational pull reaches for. What is it that it gravitates towards?

I do not even have a starting point regarding to him. I am spinning in circles and I continue to spin even though I am afraid I am going to become too dizzy to stand. I am running the risk of slamming right through the core of the Earth. As I spin, my mind swirls in the opposite direction with lingering thoughts. I am completely upside down and inside out. Which way is up? Am I at the beginning or the ending? I am lost. I am searching for a light in a pit of darkness and it just is not there. I am screaming with all of my might; Screaming for help and no one hears me. No one is listening. I am falling in love; I am going insane and I am in this game alone.

I am chasing a person who does not even remotely feel the same way. I might as well be an imaginative person to him. I am not even on his radar. He does not care what happens in my life or where I end up. He is moving on; I am longing for him like an obsessed ex lover, like a lost puppy who has lost her mother. I am dying over this kid and my feelings are hitting a brick wall. There is a wall of non-reciprocated feelings and I have run straight into it. I am flat against the brick and flat against concrete and I am breathless. I am suffocating. I am gasping for air. I AM DYING; of course, in a figurative sense.

How do you even consider letting go of the person you are sure is your soul mate. Didn't God give us that little switch for a reason? Aren't you just supposed to know? Maybe I need to just trust my faith. I know God will bring him to me if he is in fact my soul mate. Am I supposed to die slowly each day until this happens? Do I move on? Do I try to be his perfect girl? Am I expected to wait? There are so many fucking questions. There are too many variations of where I could go, what I could do, and what could happen. I do not know where to begin. I am sinking and drowning a little more each day. I swallow more water and it fills my lungs. I cannot breathe. I can only suffocate.

My ability to breathe left me when he walked away. The solace and completeness I felt within his arms is gone. I am not going to feel that again. I cannot change what he feels for me. No matter how hard I try and no matter how much I want to.

I need to give up on this. I need to be me and I need to change what I am doing. I cannot live my life spinning around this anymore. I cannot expect things to fall into place. I need to turn myself right side up and fix myself before I collapse to dust. How? Where the fuck do I begin? Truth is I would rather die chasing him then live the rest of my life with anyone else.  I would rather cry alone each night, than sleep peacefully cuddling with anyone else. I would rather watch him fall in love and be happy with someone else than move on and maybe one day realize he just wasn't ready. I would rather be sure. I would rather live with this heartache and dying inside me. At least then, he is still a part of me. At least then, I can keep this alive. At least then, I have the heartache to look forward to.

I do not even think there are enough words to explain just how deeply this feeling is within me. I don’t know that I could ever heal this pain deep inside without him. I am not sure I will even be the same. I have been flipped inside out. I have been completely changed. I have been completely revolutionized. I just want to be a better person. I want to be his everything. I want to live the rest of my life for him and pleasing him. I am dying to be his, in any way he will have me. I cannot explain just how much I need him. Just how deeply he has sunk into my core. I am incomplete. I am lifeless. I am numb. I am nothing.

I have never felt a greater need. I have never wanted to risk so much to be with a person. I have never felt this drawn to a person in my entire fucking life. I am not sure if I can explain what he does to me, but I am sure going to try:

He is utterly gorgeous. He is the perfect looking guy; I have been looking for him. He can make me laugh and forget about life, even when I have the deepest sadness within my heart. He saw right through my bullshit. I am transparent to him. The way he held me was like I had been the missing piece his arms were looking for. The pure emotion and feeling built up in my heart could stand to tear me apart. He is a mess; a beautiful disaster. I see him smile and my heart warms me. I never intended to fall for him. However, I have fallen for him in the worst way. I cannot breathe when I am without him. My world is cold and desolate without his glow. He lights up everything around him. I could spend eternity looking at him. I could spend forever listening to him. I could spend a thousand years listening to his laughter; it is breathtaking. Everything he does is like pure ecstasy. He is the air within my lungs. I laugh longer with him around; I'm happier around him. I am whole with him and I feel complete with him. My heart does not feel dead and lifeless. He makes me feel safe, accomplished, energized; I am ready to do anything. Without him I am lonely, idiotic, breathless, and afraid. Without him I am nothing; I am simply one half of a whole. He is my souls counter point. We belong together and if I cannot have him I will forever be incomplete, alone, and only one half of a whole. If I cannot have him, I do not want anyone else. He is everything to me. It will be my life mission to acquire his love! And if I never succeed, it will be worth the fucking heartbreak.

Every tear I have cried is worth it. Every night I have lost sleep while thinking of him is worth it. Every time I have felt embarrassed while being picked on is worth it. Every panic attack is worth it. IT IS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING WORTH IT. I have spent eternity looking for him. I have spent my whole life looking for him. I remember looking up at God and thinking, “I get it now. All the heartbreaks, have led to this. He is perfect.” He is the person I have been waiting for. He is my perfect fit and it may not seem like it now, I am His. I am the woman who can revolutionize his life and his world.

I need one chance. I need 20 seconds with him and if he just trusts in faith and in fate he will see what I am talking about. One Kiss; one moment of connection is all I am asking. I am not asking for him to love me automatically, I am just asking him not to push me away. Do not cast me out because I am not America’s “Perfect” girl. I am not the obvious choice, but I will spend eternity making sure he never goes without. I will make sure he is happy, safe, satisfied, and never needing anything again. I am ready, willing, and able to be his.

I don't know where we will end up in five years, but I can only hope I will be in his arms. I can only pray that he will be telling me he loves me. All I can bet on is hope. I have built up a volatile energy in my heart and it is threatening to explode straight through my core. It is waiting for the most pristine moment to collapse me into the dirt. To tare me apart; to shatter me; to extinct me. I would be no more. There is only a single diffusion of this explosive inside me. There is only one way extraction can occur and without a secondary host to soften the explosion, I am but shattered glass along the roadside. He is the only person with the secret of extraction and diffusion. I am but a ticking time bomb, because he is the only one I tick for.  He is my tick.

Can I stand to spend another moment without him? Is it possible with the way he has driven straight through my core? Can I withstand the dying inside me?

I'm scared. I'm afraid. I am terrified of losing him before I even have a chance to tell him how deeply he has stricken me. I am afraid that my soul is incorrect and he will become a fleeting memory. I am afraid I have let him walk out of my life forever and there is no way I can ever recuperate the fight for his love. I am afraid he has no idea how perfect we are for each other. I am terrified I have become obsessed and am losing sight of myself.

I want him. I need him; like I've never needed anyone before. I have never felt such a deep rooted pull. I am being pulled into a somber surrender and I am terrified I will never pull myself out. Without the love that is driving my longing, I may suffocate and wither away into nothingness. Rot into oblivion and be but a thoughtless memory in his mind.

Is there not anything I can do? Is there not any direction that can be given? Am I just shooting in the dark hoping for something that will never be mine? Am I losing it? Am I insane? Or am I in love? How the fuck does one even decipher this? I feel like I am being stabbed; thousands of times, over and over. I feel like my heart is being torn out. I feel like I am suffocating into the darkness. I panic. I panic and the panic attacks me when I think of him being gone. I am slowly slipping away.

Sure, I am not actually dying or suffocating, but the emotion dying deep inside me certainly has manifested itself into a dark pit of misery that thrives on my weakness. It works all hours of the day to pull me in. 

We need it...

Why do we fall in love?

It is a basic human necessity. We strive to love and be loved. Since the beginning of time, our instincts have told us to find love and to be loved. It satisfies a very primal need to be appreciated, to be nurtured, to be significant. It is stronger than any other feeling. It surpasses all other emotions. We still fall in love after a broken heart. It mends us, brings us to life, and satisfies a part of our human complexities that we cannot self satisfy. As a human being we strive to socialize and on a more complex and refined level we strive to socialize on a more intimate level. Love allows us to intimately socialize. We look for the ability to know a person beyond just basic human capacities. We feed off the knowledge that a person is so in tune to what we want and need and is so significantly effected by us. Our soul searches for a counter point in another human being and we are lost and unknown until we find our counter point. Love is the answer to almost every problem we have as a human being

Love; Simple, irrevocable love.

Age...

What is it, but a number? Factually, it is an accurate account of how long we have been a living human being. How long we have been breathing and keeps an accurate record of our continual aging as we grow nearer to our final salvation and everlasting life.

But, does age tell us how wise we are? Usually, it can be a very good predictor. But age can never account for the diamonds that are already taking shape. Sometimes, age is simply a boundary that is keeping us from something great. Age is an emotionless and non-relevant reminder of society's illogical boundaries keeping us from our true destinies.

Tell me, if a 40 year old man dates a 20 year old woman, what reaction does he get? Usually, by most of his friends, he is applauded. By women, he is a man. We believe he is a pig who needs a younger woman. always looking for the next best thing. What about a woman who is 40 and a guy who is 20. Then, he is applauded. and the woman; well she is a "cougar".

Seriously, age only tells us one thing, how long we have been living. If there wasn't such an emphasis on the ages of the people we are with or the people we fall for, more people may actually find love. Now, I am not saying 40 year old men should be able to marry 3 year old.  I am simply saying, if you happen to find solace and peace in your time spent with a guy four years younger than you, who is society to tell you it is inappropriate? Okay, we have laws. 18 is legal adulthood. But the law is no less forgiving that society. Most of the time, relationships are torn apart by parents who do not like "that guy" their daughter is seeing or vice versa.

So society has this game of breaking us down. She is too old, he is too young. He is too old, she is too young. He could be her father, she could be his granddaughter. How about society butts out?
How about we search for love. How about we look for the rarest and most pure emotion I have ever had the honor of feeling. LOVE; a four letter word that can fundamentally change the schematics of our life. A word that can have us chasing eternity. A word that has the power to make us break every rule, moral, and value we have set in place and believed in.

As in 1 Corinthians 13:

 "If I speak in the tongues[a] of men or of angels, but do not have love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and give over my body to hardship that I may boast,[b] but do not have love, I gain nothing.

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

⁸ Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. ⁹ For we know in part and we prophesy in part,¹⁰ but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. ¹¹ When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. ¹² For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

¹³ And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."

Love. Undying, irrevocable love. It is what we, as human beings, are forever searching for. Our soul is always looking for it's counter point in another. As a hopeless romantic, I could never allow myself to shy away from love.

Fight for love. Hope for love. Pray for love. Advocate for love. We are the basic puzzle pieces of love. Heart to heart, we are always betting on, hoping for, and searching for love even on our most basic level.

Why keep ourselves from it?

If you find it, bottle it up, hold onto it tight, and enjoy the ride. It is a quick one. 

I love you

I still continue to swallow my words and pride. It hurts because the truth is, I love you.

What do I want?

What do I want??

I want to be held, just because. I want to be told I am beautiful, even when I am a mess. I want to be heard, when I am silent. I want to be tucked in, even though I am 21. I want to sleep in, even though I have to work at 9am. I want to sing and be praised, even though I am tone deaf. I want to dance with someone, even though I have two left feet. I want to be winked at, when I least expect it. I want to be me, even when I am not who people want. I want to be wanted for who I am. I want to be loved, without conditions. I want to make the impossible, possible. I want to be a millionaire, when I am still young.

I've finally realized, there is no silver platter. I make my own luck and decide my own destiny. I have to make my wants happen, and I plan on it.

Clearing

I never imagined getting rid of half of my daily schedule would clear my head.  I truly love going to work full time. I love being able to actually feel like I am a part of something rather than a floater or a half timer every where I go.

Maybe, just maybe. finding a place you fit in is the way we clear our minds. We no longer fear we are not welcome, or that we are not a part of something. We feel included. We feel like a link in the chain. and sometimes, that is all we need. sometimes, that little bit of welcoming is the release we need.

Clinginess

It's so weird how we cling to people for comfort. Even if that person is totally out of reach and off limits - we continue to cling to them. It's like an opportunity to just imagine perfection. To imagine the possibility of actually being happy for a while. and yet, we do not even realize how much pain it is actually causing us. We don't even have the slightest idea that that moment of clinginess is actually shattering us into a million pieces. That in that moment, we are longing for something so badly and we simply cannot have it. We simply are not allowed to be in control. We forever are separated because of some external force, something that we can never fix as a human being.

Love "me"

You have to love yourself, before you can love anyone else.

A concept so simple. Love yourself and then love others. But how do we go about loving ourselves without affection? How is it that we can love ourselves without a loving relationship? And if there is a way, what is it?

I guess it works the same way your needs do. If you cannot suffice your own needs and care for yourself, how can you anyone else?

But the truth of the matter is, we avoid ourselves inside and out. We avoid mirrors, pictures (unless you are narcissistic), self conversation, talking about ourselves, our needs. Everything we do, will never be good enough by our own standards. We will never amount to anything in our own eyes. We continue to be our own biggest critic. We will never be comfortable and safe in our own skin.

STOP!

We are gorgeous. We are smart. We are funny and bright. We have great ideas, we have a great personality, and people love being with us. We are beautiful just the way God made us.

See, our attitude keeps us down. We allow ourselves to get down because we listen to the critic inside.

So stop listening. Argue with it. Tell it to eff off. Tell the inner critic that we love ourselves. Upset the critic so that it listens for a change.

I'm realizing that once that voice shuts up, my brain has a few minutes to love myself. And everyday, I intend to grant my brain a few minutes more to love me.

So I challenge you. Shut the critic up, and love yourself for a few minutes each day.

Because ultimately, until we love ourselves, we can never love anyone else and chances are, the majority of people we know, will not be able to love us.

You do not deserve me

If you can't love me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best...

Sure, this is a terrific policy and standard. But, I have struggled with valuing this policy. Previously, it was simply because I didn't value myself. However, as I get stronger, this belief of undying, unconditional love grows stronger as well.

Now maybe, too harshly implied and this policy could hurt us. Are we supposed to just toss away everyone who has ever said something wrong to us, looked at us wrong, didn't love us forever and unconditionally? I think not.

But I do think this policy allows us to avoid pain. If we put off that a person who cannot be strong for us when we are in need simply cannot handle us, then we do not feel rejected. And sure, there is certainly some validity to it. A person who cannot accept, love, and cherish you when you are at rock bottom should not be allowed to love you when you are Everest.

With that said - does that mean the guy who didn't notice you when you were in pain should suffer? How about the woman who forgot you have issues too? How about the one you love not knowing how you feel?

Simply put, when implemented wrong, this standard of love could stand to hurt us, but it is a policy that each of us needs to hold dear, because a person who cannot love you at your very worst certainly should never be allowed to or certainly does not deserve you at your very best.

First-Rate

Damn near perfection

A Monday morning right at rush hour, lying in bed with egyptian cotton sheets, in a high-rise apartment in Boston or New York, maybe even Charlotte, with the sound of horns honking, birds chirping, sirens in the far off distance, maybe a plane, and the sun crawling across the bedroom floor, stretching awake and knowing that I can stay in bed and sleep until I am ready to get up and write my column for the day and be done working.

Or

A Monday Morning right at dawn, when the sun is just peaking out, stretching awake in a bed of Egyptian cotton sheets, listening to the birds and the waves crashing against the shore. Maybe a boat horn off in the distance. Rolling over, hitting snooze, getting out of bed, putting on a robe, grabbing my laptop, a cup of coffee and sitting on the porch in the company of the ocean and the sunrise, writing a daily column or a novel, maybe I am on Cape cod, Palm Beach, or Key West.

closed off

I think - maybe - we hold ourselves back. Because we are afraid of what will happen if we open up; so we hide. We don't explore the world, we don't go out alone, we don't allow ourselves to experience new things or meet new people. Remaining heartbroken, no longer trusting, and unwilling to reopen up - we hold back. We avoid everyday life. We become robotic. We follow a rigid routine. Unwilling to change our habits, our preferences, our inability to open up and experience life. We lose ourselves. We have lost ourselves.

I know I am guilty of this. I refuse to open up. Being broken; I refuse to repair. However, with help I can rebuild. I can relearn to grow and experience. In time, I will begin to repair and become strong. In time - I will become me. I will meet new people, go new places, and learn to open up and allow love in.  In time...

In time - I will find myself, become who I truly am, and refuse to hold back any longer.

I miss you

The truth is, I miss you. I would give anything to not miss you. I promise you, I didn't plan this, but I fell in love with you. It happened when I wasn't paying any attention. I happened to get to know you as a person and you are absolutely beautiful. You are outstanding. You've been hurt, but still care for others. You've seen devastation, but still value the beauty in every day chaos. You make me laugh like I have never laughed before. You
know how to see through my bullshit, even on my best days. You are not afraid of who I am as a person. You make me feel important when everyone else makes me feel convenient. You make me better at everything. You make me a better thinker, a better student, a better person. I am smarter with you, more logical, wiser than I have ever been. You make me feel safe, accomplished, energized. With you I am ready to do anything. Without you I am lonely, idiotic, breathless, afraid. Without you I am nothing. I am simply one half of a whole. You are my souls counter point.

The little things

Are the little moments missing?

The beauty of a smile. The simplicity of an afternoon nap. A warm breeze on a summer day.

The little things matter. It's not ridiculous to believe that the little moments can keep you happy.

I'm relearning to allow myself to enjoy the little thingsand each little moment keeps me smiling.

Those moments are just as important as every other moment.

Notice them and allow yourself to smile. : )

Promise

Rock Bottom

Hitting rock bottom - hurts. The moment I awoke from the nightmare that was my current life I noticed everything had been turned upside down; I finally realized I hated everything I had incorporated into my life. I was bending over backwards to help people, who could have given two shits if I lived or died. I had allowed myself to become a stepping stone in everyone's life - including my own. I had become an imaginative person. The air I was breathing and each breath I took was the only reminder that I was in fact a living human being. I purposefully let myself get involved where I didn't belong. I pushed my weight around, when I barely had a leg to stand on. I allowed my feelings and emotions to blind me to the fact that I was being used and it took til rock bottom for me to realize that I am more than a pin cushion or a tack board for everyone's issues.

How is it that we become a stepping stone in others lives? What is it that we do that makes us a candidate to be stepped on for another person's benefit? Regardless of the situation, in that moment we feel important even though we are being used by another human to advance their current situation. Being used instead makes us feel important, when it should make us feel shitty and walked upon. The need to feel important in a another persons life leads us to sometimes become a stepping stone, and if that is the case, we have to learn how to be important - without being walked on. At some point, a person has to realize what they have become and fight back.

In today's current conditions, NO ONE can afford to be walked on. Someone very close to me said, "Fuck everyone. You cannot trust anyone. You have to watch out for yourself and fuck friends." There is never a moment where that advice will be more prevalent, than when you hit rock bottom.

We have to allow ourselves to be the most important person in our own lives. If we cannot take care of our own needs and aspirations, how can we expect to take care of the needs of anyone else? YOU have to be number one. I am finally realizing this.

Allowing people to tell you how to live your life only leads you to becoming that stepping stone. Upgrade yourself...QUICKLY!

I'm upgrading myself - starting NOW.