I spend every night letting precious minutes waste away. The time seems suspended in space; blackness enveloping me as I fall into it's somber embrace. The space around me suffocating in it's own existence expels an anxiety that is pulverizing my core. Shallow breaths reminding me of the extreme paralysis within me. It is my feeble and melancholy self realization that shatters the density around me. I stare at my phone. It's silence is deafening. It is a painful reminder that you are gone. Each moment screaming louder at me, "Just let go." Three words that could rescue my existence from impending extinction. I ignore them. It is in the painful and core shattering moment that I realize how little I matter; however, hope clings to that sliver. Maybe, on some level, the timing is off. Maybe all destiny needs it time to reconfigure the equation. The ticking of my mental clock snaps me out of my own mind. I am left in the blackness; I re-invite the somber. Through this melancholy, I can self sooth and remember. It is not the end of my life, though it seems it. Trust time, for it is all I have.

Messages

Sometimes, I write messages to you that are paragraphs and paragraphs long. I spend hours pouring out my heart to you. And then in an instant, I remember that even if I tell you of the purest and most raw emotions and the most powerful feelings I have for you, it won't make you love me. It won't make you change your mind because you have already made up your mind. That I am not the person that you want. So I delete it. Instead of sharing with you my deepest desires and feelings I swallow my pride and remind myself, that if you wanted me, you would have me.

It's that kiss

It's that kiss where he puts his arms around your waist and pulls you in really tight to him and it makes your toes kind of curl up. And he kinda bends you backwards while you kiss. And you lose yourself. And the only thing holding you up is his arms on your lower back. And your lips are on fire. Like you have just eaten big red gum and then poured gasoline on your lips and lit them on fire. and then you just kind of stand there for a few moments with your lips together with your breathing hitting each others while you regain composure. It's that kiss...The one people search an eternity for.

A Thousand Years

I have fallen in love with this song. It is absolutely my perfect wedding song and it melts my heart every time I hear it. This is my perfect song.

Truth Is

Truth is I wish we talked more. I know I am wasting my time, but I still hold hope that maybe through some shred of a miracle that you just might want to talk to me too. I know this is extremely wishful thinking on my part. However, I was always told to dream big. I guess on some level I am just hoping that one day you see what is going on here and stop pretending like you are too damn good for me. I hope for your sake, the day you finally realize what I have seen all this time, you are not too late to save what will eventually be but a fleeting memory. I hope you are smart enough to know what you are doing before it cannot be undone. Before you know it, I will be long gone and the moments I wasted waiting for you will be time I will eventually consider a grave loss. Time that I will never be able to make up, because you were just too stubborn to realize and see what I see; absolute perfection. I see the one thing people search for their entire lives and it is flying right by you. Please, I am begging you to wake up before I have to walk out of your life forever. Do not let me do something that you will regret.

He Is Just Not That Into You

I wonder if I am the only one? When I have a broken heart, I watch romance movies to give me hope that real love still exists. I guess that is kind of an oxymoron, considering I am watching a fictional story to support true love. But what about the movies that warn us about broken hearts? What about the character's that tell us which guys to steer clear of?

For Example:

• He Is Just Not That Into You
• Hitch
• Think Like A Man
• The Ugly Truth

I was watching He Is Just Not That Into You yesterday and it got me thinking about how we women approach men. Sure we tell men it is all about approach, but are we preaching a piece of advice that we absolutely do not follow? I know that I rush into having feelings. At the first sign of a possible feeling, I associate it with the "spark". Maybe he is just friendly. Maybe we just approach a potential relationship too fast. Let's be honest. What the fuck is the "spark?" Does it even exist? Is there really a spark? Sexual Chemistry? A spark of attraction? And where does this "spark" derive from?

"Guys invented the "spark" so that they could not call, and treat you kind of bad, and keep you guessing, and they convince you that that anxiety and that fear that they're throwing at you is actually, just a "spark". And you guys all buy it. You eat it up. And you love it. You love it because you feed off that drama. You all love that drama." Alex - He Is Just Not That Into You

Do we actually buy this shit? I mean, do we really fall for the cold shoulder? I know I sure do. I trust that guys are just human beings. I try to give guys the benefit of the doubt and all I end up doing is making excuses for them. "He is busy." "He doesn't have his phone with him." "Maybe he is asleep." "He just isn't ready yet." "He still has a lot to learn." At 21 years old, I am still fucking making excuses for why guys treat me like shit. I am giving them enough slack to strangle the belief in love right out of me. I am allowing them to treat me like shit when everyone knows the simple truth:

"...if a guy is treating you like he doesn't give a shit, he genuinely doesn't give a shit. No exceptions.." Alex - He Is Just Not That Into You

"Girls are taught a lot of stuff growing up: if a boy punches you he likes you, never try to trim your own bangs, and someday you will meet a wonderful guy and get your very own happy ending. every movie we see, every story we're told implores us to wait for it: the third act twist, the unexpected declaration of love, the exception to the rule. but sometimes we're so focused on finding our happy ending we don't learn how to read the signs. how to tell the ones who want us from the ones who don't, the ones who will stay and the ones who will leave. and maybe a happy ending doesn't include a guy, maybe it's you, on your own, picking up the pieces and starting over, freeing yourself up for something better in the future. maybe the happy ending is just moving on. or maybe the happy ending is this: knowing after all the unreturned phone calls and broken-hearts, through the blunders and misread signals, through all the pain and embarrassment... you never gave up hope. " Gigi - He Is Just Not That Into You

So what do we do? Do we hold onto hope? Do we continue on with the way we have been doing things all this time? What if we try to evolve?  What if as women, we learn from our experiences and heartbreaks and transform ourselves into a more powerful and knowledgeable sex? Instead of hurting, we should teach each other the tricks we have learned. So guys treat us like crap. Let us learn why and fix it. Let us learn what makes them tick and why we are not able to understand them. 

“You have to be two people. The saint and the sinner. The librarian and the stripper.” Mike Chadway – The Ugly Truth

So here it is. Right above here. The Truth is, we are expected to be two people. We are expected to be the girl he will bring home to his mother and the girl who he will dream about for the next five days after he sleep with us. We are expected to be Nice and Naughty. And while we do that, here is what we must remember:

Alex: Your friend Terri's an idiot. And she's also the exception. By the way. The rare exception.

Gigi: Okay. Okay. But what if I'm the exception?

Alex: No, you're not. You're not at all. In fact, you're the rule. And the rule is this--if a guy doesn't call you, he doesn't want to call you.  

Alex & Gigi - He Is Just Not That Into You

And it generally works with any rule guys have. If a guy wants you he will make it happen. If he isn't calling, it's because he doesn't want to. If he isn't making the time for you he doesn't want you. Women are told their whole life that we are the exception. That men are douches because they like us. It is bullshit. If he wants you, he will make it happen. And I just have to stop believing I am the exception. We are not the exception. The guy is a douche. Let him go and move on. Allow yourself the time to live. Be your own fucking person. Stop depending on them. Stop giving them the power over us. WE ARE NOT THE EXCEPTION. 

"...we're not the exception; we're the rule."

Gigi - He Is Just Not That Into You

Let's be honest though. I can put all of this here in front of you, and we still will not change. We will still believe we are someone's exception. We will still make excuses for guys who treat us like complete trash. But even while we are doing that, maybe we can take the time to change just a little bit. Maybe we can learn to not take the bullshit as much or maybe we learn to win him over in non-conventional ways. Maybe we become the woman he wants even though he doesn't know what he wants. 

"I may dissect each little thing and put myself out there so 

much but at least that means that I still care. 

Oh! You've think you won because women are expendable to you. 

You may not get hurt or make an ass of yourself that way 

but you don't fall in love that way either. You have not won. 

You're alone. I may do a lot of stupid shit but I'm still a lot closer to love than you are." 

Gigi - He Is Just Not That Into You

Then of course, we could always go with this nugget of gold: 

"So you wanna win a man over? You don't need 10 steps. You need one and it's called a blowjob."

 Mike Chadway – The Ugly Truth

I'm not saying it will work, but it might. HAHA