You do not deserve me

If you can't love me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best...

Sure, this is a terrific policy and standard. But, I have struggled with valuing this policy. Previously, it was simply because I didn't value myself. However, as I get stronger, this belief of undying, unconditional love grows stronger as well.

Now maybe, too harshly implied and this policy could hurt us. Are we supposed to just toss away everyone who has ever said something wrong to us, looked at us wrong, didn't love us forever and unconditionally? I think not.

But I do think this policy allows us to avoid pain. If we put off that a person who cannot be strong for us when we are in need simply cannot handle us, then we do not feel rejected. And sure, there is certainly some validity to it. A person who cannot accept, love, and cherish you when you are at rock bottom should not be allowed to love you when you are Everest.

With that said - does that mean the guy who didn't notice you when you were in pain should suffer? How about the woman who forgot you have issues too? How about the one you love not knowing how you feel?

Simply put, when implemented wrong, this standard of love could stand to hurt us, but it is a policy that each of us needs to hold dear, because a person who cannot love you at your very worst certainly should never be allowed to or certainly does not deserve you at your very best.

First-Rate

Damn near perfection

A Monday morning right at rush hour, lying in bed with egyptian cotton sheets, in a high-rise apartment in Boston or New York, maybe even Charlotte, with the sound of horns honking, birds chirping, sirens in the far off distance, maybe a plane, and the sun crawling across the bedroom floor, stretching awake and knowing that I can stay in bed and sleep until I am ready to get up and write my column for the day and be done working.

Or

A Monday Morning right at dawn, when the sun is just peaking out, stretching awake in a bed of Egyptian cotton sheets, listening to the birds and the waves crashing against the shore. Maybe a boat horn off in the distance. Rolling over, hitting snooze, getting out of bed, putting on a robe, grabbing my laptop, a cup of coffee and sitting on the porch in the company of the ocean and the sunrise, writing a daily column or a novel, maybe I am on Cape cod, Palm Beach, or Key West.

closed off

I think - maybe - we hold ourselves back. Because we are afraid of what will happen if we open up; so we hide. We don't explore the world, we don't go out alone, we don't allow ourselves to experience new things or meet new people. Remaining heartbroken, no longer trusting, and unwilling to reopen up - we hold back. We avoid everyday life. We become robotic. We follow a rigid routine. Unwilling to change our habits, our preferences, our inability to open up and experience life. We lose ourselves. We have lost ourselves.

I know I am guilty of this. I refuse to open up. Being broken; I refuse to repair. However, with help I can rebuild. I can relearn to grow and experience. In time, I will begin to repair and become strong. In time - I will become me. I will meet new people, go new places, and learn to open up and allow love in.  In time...

In time - I will find myself, become who I truly am, and refuse to hold back any longer.

I miss you

The truth is, I miss you. I would give anything to not miss you. I promise you, I didn't plan this, but I fell in love with you. It happened when I wasn't paying any attention. I happened to get to know you as a person and you are absolutely beautiful. You are outstanding. You've been hurt, but still care for others. You've seen devastation, but still value the beauty in every day chaos. You make me laugh like I have never laughed before. You
know how to see through my bullshit, even on my best days. You are not afraid of who I am as a person. You make me feel important when everyone else makes me feel convenient. You make me better at everything. You make me a better thinker, a better student, a better person. I am smarter with you, more logical, wiser than I have ever been. You make me feel safe, accomplished, energized. With you I am ready to do anything. Without you I am lonely, idiotic, breathless, afraid. Without you I am nothing. I am simply one half of a whole. You are my souls counter point.

The little things

Are the little moments missing?

The beauty of a smile. The simplicity of an afternoon nap. A warm breeze on a summer day.

The little things matter. It's not ridiculous to believe that the little moments can keep you happy.

I'm relearning to allow myself to enjoy the little thingsand each little moment keeps me smiling.

Those moments are just as important as every other moment.

Notice them and allow yourself to smile. : )

Promise

Rock Bottom

Hitting rock bottom - hurts. The moment I awoke from the nightmare that was my current life I noticed everything had been turned upside down; I finally realized I hated everything I had incorporated into my life. I was bending over backwards to help people, who could have given two shits if I lived or died. I had allowed myself to become a stepping stone in everyone's life - including my own. I had become an imaginative person. The air I was breathing and each breath I took was the only reminder that I was in fact a living human being. I purposefully let myself get involved where I didn't belong. I pushed my weight around, when I barely had a leg to stand on. I allowed my feelings and emotions to blind me to the fact that I was being used and it took til rock bottom for me to realize that I am more than a pin cushion or a tack board for everyone's issues.

How is it that we become a stepping stone in others lives? What is it that we do that makes us a candidate to be stepped on for another person's benefit? Regardless of the situation, in that moment we feel important even though we are being used by another human to advance their current situation. Being used instead makes us feel important, when it should make us feel shitty and walked upon. The need to feel important in a another persons life leads us to sometimes become a stepping stone, and if that is the case, we have to learn how to be important - without being walked on. At some point, a person has to realize what they have become and fight back.

In today's current conditions, NO ONE can afford to be walked on. Someone very close to me said, "Fuck everyone. You cannot trust anyone. You have to watch out for yourself and fuck friends." There is never a moment where that advice will be more prevalent, than when you hit rock bottom.

We have to allow ourselves to be the most important person in our own lives. If we cannot take care of our own needs and aspirations, how can we expect to take care of the needs of anyone else? YOU have to be number one. I am finally realizing this.

Allowing people to tell you how to live your life only leads you to becoming that stepping stone. Upgrade yourself...QUICKLY!

I'm upgrading myself - starting NOW.