What is happening?

Sometimes, I wonder what it is that makes people tick. What are they waiting for? What is it that they need and are longing for in their life to make them feel complete? Sometimes, if I just knew what these things were, I may actually have a shot at being the person that can complete that puzzle for them. I just wish for once, I could have this tiny advantage. I wish that I could be their soul’s counterpoint.

Okay, I’m guilty as charged. I do not want to make people tick. I want to make him tick. I want to know what it is that makes him tick. What is it that he needs? What is it that he is longing for? What is it that he wants? If only I knew what caught his attention. Well, I’m not a skinny fucking blonde, so I am already a step behind in this game. But what is it that skinny blonde’s have not given him thus far? What is it that he is still looking for? At this point, I can say, I have made very little progress. He only seldom talks to me and it breaks me inside. It drains the life out of me. I am lost in a world I only just discovered. I am searching for the end zone and I am still at the podium calling out my first round draft pick.

There just wasn't enough time. There weren't sufficient grounds to move forward; I took a leap of faith that flattened the helium foundation I was building. I exploded onto concrete and I am forced to figure out where it is that I need to begin again. Maybe I start with me. Maybe if I become the person I want to be and I find solace within myself, I will begin to fall into his gravitational pull. Then again, I guess I would need to know what his gravitational pull reaches for. What is it that it gravitates towards?

I do not even have a starting point regarding to him. I am spinning in circles and I continue to spin even though I am afraid I am going to become too dizzy to stand. I am running the risk of slamming right through the core of the Earth. As I spin, my mind swirls in the opposite direction with lingering thoughts. I am completely upside down and inside out. Which way is up? Am I at the beginning or the ending? I am lost. I am searching for a light in a pit of darkness and it just is not there. I am screaming with all of my might; Screaming for help and no one hears me. No one is listening. I am falling in love; I am going insane and I am in this game alone.

I am chasing a person who does not even remotely feel the same way. I might as well be an imaginative person to him. I am not even on his radar. He does not care what happens in my life or where I end up. He is moving on; I am longing for him like an obsessed ex lover, like a lost puppy who has lost her mother. I am dying over this kid and my feelings are hitting a brick wall. There is a wall of non-reciprocated feelings and I have run straight into it. I am flat against the brick and flat against concrete and I am breathless. I am suffocating. I am gasping for air. I AM DYING; of course, in a figurative sense.

How do you even consider letting go of the person you are sure is your soul mate. Didn't God give us that little switch for a reason? Aren't you just supposed to know? Maybe I need to just trust my faith. I know God will bring him to me if he is in fact my soul mate. Am I supposed to die slowly each day until this happens? Do I move on? Do I try to be his perfect girl? Am I expected to wait? There are so many fucking questions. There are too many variations of where I could go, what I could do, and what could happen. I do not know where to begin. I am sinking and drowning a little more each day. I swallow more water and it fills my lungs. I cannot breathe. I can only suffocate.

My ability to breathe left me when he walked away. The solace and completeness I felt within his arms is gone. I am not going to feel that again. I cannot change what he feels for me. No matter how hard I try and no matter how much I want to.

I need to give up on this. I need to be me and I need to change what I am doing. I cannot live my life spinning around this anymore. I cannot expect things to fall into place. I need to turn myself right side up and fix myself before I collapse to dust. How? Where the fuck do I begin? Truth is I would rather die chasing him then live the rest of my life with anyone else.  I would rather cry alone each night, than sleep peacefully cuddling with anyone else. I would rather watch him fall in love and be happy with someone else than move on and maybe one day realize he just wasn't ready. I would rather be sure. I would rather live with this heartache and dying inside me. At least then, he is still a part of me. At least then, I can keep this alive. At least then, I have the heartache to look forward to.

I do not even think there are enough words to explain just how deeply this feeling is within me. I don’t know that I could ever heal this pain deep inside without him. I am not sure I will even be the same. I have been flipped inside out. I have been completely changed. I have been completely revolutionized. I just want to be a better person. I want to be his everything. I want to live the rest of my life for him and pleasing him. I am dying to be his, in any way he will have me. I cannot explain just how much I need him. Just how deeply he has sunk into my core. I am incomplete. I am lifeless. I am numb. I am nothing.

I have never felt a greater need. I have never wanted to risk so much to be with a person. I have never felt this drawn to a person in my entire fucking life. I am not sure if I can explain what he does to me, but I am sure going to try:

He is utterly gorgeous. He is the perfect looking guy; I have been looking for him. He can make me laugh and forget about life, even when I have the deepest sadness within my heart. He saw right through my bullshit. I am transparent to him. The way he held me was like I had been the missing piece his arms were looking for. The pure emotion and feeling built up in my heart could stand to tear me apart. He is a mess; a beautiful disaster. I see him smile and my heart warms me. I never intended to fall for him. However, I have fallen for him in the worst way. I cannot breathe when I am without him. My world is cold and desolate without his glow. He lights up everything around him. I could spend eternity looking at him. I could spend forever listening to him. I could spend a thousand years listening to his laughter; it is breathtaking. Everything he does is like pure ecstasy. He is the air within my lungs. I laugh longer with him around; I'm happier around him. I am whole with him and I feel complete with him. My heart does not feel dead and lifeless. He makes me feel safe, accomplished, energized; I am ready to do anything. Without him I am lonely, idiotic, breathless, and afraid. Without him I am nothing; I am simply one half of a whole. He is my souls counter point. We belong together and if I cannot have him I will forever be incomplete, alone, and only one half of a whole. If I cannot have him, I do not want anyone else. He is everything to me. It will be my life mission to acquire his love! And if I never succeed, it will be worth the fucking heartbreak.

Every tear I have cried is worth it. Every night I have lost sleep while thinking of him is worth it. Every time I have felt embarrassed while being picked on is worth it. Every panic attack is worth it. IT IS ABSOLUTELY FUCKING WORTH IT. I have spent eternity looking for him. I have spent my whole life looking for him. I remember looking up at God and thinking, “I get it now. All the heartbreaks, have led to this. He is perfect.” He is the person I have been waiting for. He is my perfect fit and it may not seem like it now, I am His. I am the woman who can revolutionize his life and his world.

I need one chance. I need 20 seconds with him and if he just trusts in faith and in fate he will see what I am talking about. One Kiss; one moment of connection is all I am asking. I am not asking for him to love me automatically, I am just asking him not to push me away. Do not cast me out because I am not America’s “Perfect” girl. I am not the obvious choice, but I will spend eternity making sure he never goes without. I will make sure he is happy, safe, satisfied, and never needing anything again. I am ready, willing, and able to be his.

I don't know where we will end up in five years, but I can only hope I will be in his arms. I can only pray that he will be telling me he loves me. All I can bet on is hope. I have built up a volatile energy in my heart and it is threatening to explode straight through my core. It is waiting for the most pristine moment to collapse me into the dirt. To tare me apart; to shatter me; to extinct me. I would be no more. There is only a single diffusion of this explosive inside me. There is only one way extraction can occur and without a secondary host to soften the explosion, I am but shattered glass along the roadside. He is the only person with the secret of extraction and diffusion. I am but a ticking time bomb, because he is the only one I tick for.  He is my tick.

Can I stand to spend another moment without him? Is it possible with the way he has driven straight through my core? Can I withstand the dying inside me?

I'm scared. I'm afraid. I am terrified of losing him before I even have a chance to tell him how deeply he has stricken me. I am afraid that my soul is incorrect and he will become a fleeting memory. I am afraid I have let him walk out of my life forever and there is no way I can ever recuperate the fight for his love. I am afraid he has no idea how perfect we are for each other. I am terrified I have become obsessed and am losing sight of myself.

I want him. I need him; like I've never needed anyone before. I have never felt such a deep rooted pull. I am being pulled into a somber surrender and I am terrified I will never pull myself out. Without the love that is driving my longing, I may suffocate and wither away into nothingness. Rot into oblivion and be but a thoughtless memory in his mind.

Is there not anything I can do? Is there not any direction that can be given? Am I just shooting in the dark hoping for something that will never be mine? Am I losing it? Am I insane? Or am I in love? How the fuck does one even decipher this? I feel like I am being stabbed; thousands of times, over and over. I feel like my heart is being torn out. I feel like I am suffocating into the darkness. I panic. I panic and the panic attacks me when I think of him being gone. I am slowly slipping away.

Sure, I am not actually dying or suffocating, but the emotion dying deep inside me certainly has manifested itself into a dark pit of misery that thrives on my weakness. It works all hours of the day to pull me in.